Fear

Fear can be so consuming and it is an emotion that almost every loss momma will experience. The fear of not being able to get pregnant again and the fear of losing another child is overwhelming. Growing up my mother was always so fearful and a worrier. I feel that a lot of her fear and worries came from losing my oldest sister. My mother and I relate so much more now because I know the feeling of losing a piece of myself too.

I have always battled with being fearful and a worrier too. Once I become a momma for the first time the fears heightened. I was so worried about losing the baby that I wanted so badly. I was very cautious and barely ever left Arya’s side. As she got older though I tried to give her more independence. Although, after losing Ezra I wanted to cocoon her once again and make sure nothing bad could happen to her. Shortly after Ezra passed away we were at a family picnic. Arya and my niece were playing in a wagon and Arya tried to get out and fell. I instantly started freaking out and checking her. My sisters tried to make me feel better by saying “She’s okay, it wasn’t that bad of a fall.” but I didn’t want to hear those words. I went inside and my mom followed me in. I turned to her and told her how they just don’t understand how these small bumps to them are huge issues for me. I wish that I had that naïve feeling about bumps and falls, but after watching one of my children pass away right in front of me I can’t help but be fearful.

Lately, I have been more fearful though. I’m always looking for any dangers around Arya and I play out the worst case scenarios in my head. I fear that I will get a call from her preschool or my parents that something bad has happened to her. I fear putting her to bed and not hearing her awake in the morning. My worst fear though is that I will again have a doctor tell me, “I’m sorry, we have tried everything.”

I have also become fearful that I will never have any other children. After the wait of being healed from my c-section we started our first medicated cycle this past month. Unfortunately, we had no success and I didn’t even ovulate which makes me even more fearful. Even with medication my body didn’t react the way that it should. I completely understand that I haven’t been trying for long but after such a long delay I was hoping for a miracle. I long for another sibling for Arya and that Ezra will someday be an older brother. However, fear sometimes consumes me and makes me believe that I will never get to see that come to fruition.

I desperately try to fight the fear and have faith that everything will be alright. Although, it is a very tough fight to battle the fear. I feel that I miss out on enjoying moments with my daughter because the fear can consume me. I also miss out on the joys in life while I’m consumed by fears during the wait of trying to conceive again. My hope is that I’m able to overcome the fear and live with more faith and joy.
Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

March 2018

March was a very rough month for my family and I. It was not only Ezra’s birthday month but we also had lots of chaos unfold in our family. I knew that March would be a difficult month but I wasn’t able to fully comprehend how difficult the month would be.

The beginning of the month was stressful as I prepared myself for Ezra’s first birthday. I had been told that the anticipation of his birthday could be worse than his actual birthday. (Which was absolutely true!)

This month we were also finally able to have the opportunity to try again for another baby. Although, it wasn’t the most ideal time to try I have been waiting for a year to get the go ahead. I started taking femara (fertility medication) to help my body ovulate. The day before Ezra’s birthday I was checked to see if I had any follicles. However, instead of hearing good news I was notified that I indeed had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and that I had many follicles but none were big enough. The doctor said we should check the following week for any changes.

At the same time we also added another therapist for our daughter. Since she already has speech delays we decided to bring an occupational therapist on to help even more. Our first meeting was also the week of Ezra’s birthday and we were notified that she shows signs of sensory processing delays as well. I was completely heartbroken after that meeting with the OT. I felt absolutely defeated as a mother. Not only had I felt like I failed Ezra but I also felt like I was actively failing Arya.

The easiest part of the month was actually Ezra’s birthday weekend. I spent the weekend thinking about my little boy and we honored him in many different ways. My emotions were still all over the place but it was nice to slow down and just focus on being with my family and celebrating our little boy. I wrote a blog post about Ezra’s Birthday Weekend if you would like to know more about our celebration.
The week following Ezra’s birthday was again a difficult one. On Tuesday (March 20 it started snowing and kept snowing into Wednesday. The snow is still a huge trigger for me. Last year we had a blizzard the week that Ezra was born. Snow in March will most likely always be a trigger. Along with the snow, I had my follow up appointment at the fertility specialist. Again, we saw so many tiny follicles but nothing more. My doctor finally said that we would try again next cycle with a higher dosage of medication.

Easter weekend was yet another hard time for me. On Good Friday we took Arya over to the Easter Bunny. I wondered how chaotic it would be to take two under two to Chocolate World. It would be a lot but also so amazing to see my two little loves together! Saturday we went to my in-laws Easter celebration. I had already been emotional that day and seeing Arya interact with her five month old cousin pushed me over the edge. I instantly started crying as I watched her be so sweet and adoring to him. Finally, Easter Sunday arrived and we went to church then to go see Ezra. It was nice to be all together but it is always sad to take family photos next to a headstone.

After the month that I had I still feel so numb. I don’t understand why so many difficult things were thrown my way on an already difficult month. I am very hopeful that April will bring much better (and hopefully easier) days!

 

Photo by Timothy Meinberg on Unsplash

 

TTC Journey (Before Ezra)

When my daughter was 9 months old we decided that we would start the process of trying to have another baby. However, my body had different ideas. My cycles came back in April 2016 pretty regularly. Although, in June my body started going through many changes. I was bleeding for about two weeks straight then I would bleed again about two weeks later.

In August 2016 I went to the doctor to talk about the issues with my cycles. My doctor decided that since I already had a child that she would prescribe provera and clomid to help my body start ovulating. She wanted to take some ultrasounds prior to me starting a medicated cycle. The ultrasound showed my uterus lining was thick but nothing that she was worried about.

I started my medicated cycle in the beginning of October 2016. Everything was going smoothly and I was so excited when I got a positive ovulation test. About a week after that my doctor had me get some blood work to make sure everything was going smoothly. Shortly after that I got a call that my progesterone was very low and it was very unlikely that it was a successful cycle. Although, I felt pregnant. I kept taking pregnancy tests and they all came back negative. Finally, on October 28, 2016 I took a test and the faintest second line appeared. I was put on progesterone suppositories but I was indeed pregnant.

 

Photo by Aron Reacher on Unsplash

 

TTC Journey (Before Arya)

I have always longed to be a mom and love being around children. (Hence, why I have a degree in education.) When my husband and I got married in 2011 we were not completely ready for children though. We were living in the Philadelphia suburbs in an 800 square foot apartment and definitely did not have space for another human. Instead, we adopted our very loveable and obnoxiously loud cat named Albert (seriously, he is the loudest cat ever). When we moved to a bigger apartment we decided to then adopt a dog, our cranky old lady-dog Lulu. Life was full and chaotic but I longed to have a baby.

Eventually, we moved closer to home and decided we would start trying for a baby in late 2013. I thought since I was young I would get pregnant instantly since both of my sisters had their children fairly easy. However, that wasn’t the case. August 2014 came around and I was still not pregnant. I went to my doctor for my annual appointment and discussed about trying. My doctor told me to call the infertility specialist and schedule an appointment for the end of 2014.

I felt so defeated as I called the fertility specialist for an appointment. The receptionist scheduled our appointment for January 13th, 2015. She then said, “If anything changes please call us.” As I hung up the phone I thought, “Yeah right, I will definitely be going to that appointment.”

The months went by and I kept feeling defeated that there was no pregnancy in my near future. Finally, January 2015 came and my body felt completely different. I didn’t want to buy into the idea of being pregnant since I didn’t want a big letdown if I wasn’t. On January 10th, 2015 I woke up early and took a test. Instantly, two lines showed up on the test and I was so excited.

 

 

Photo by Seth Macey on Unsplash