Ezra’s Story: Part Two

This must all be a nightmare. This can’t be true. I woke up in a hospital recovery room. This is sadly true I’m not dreaming this but I wish I was. I wish I could go back even a few hours when I was blissfully unaware of how my morning would turn out. I could hear a nurse to my right typing on a computer and I looked to the left where I saw Gabe sitting with his head down. I tried to say something to him but my throat felt clogged like I had a severe sore throat. I tried to cough to help my throat and felt severe pain my abdomen. The nurse then let me know that my throat hurt from being intubated during surgery.

 

After sitting in almost total silence and shock a doctor came over and introduced herself. She was a doctor from the NICU and had been in the OR when Ezra was born. She informed us that Ezra was currently stable but they did need to resuscitate him since he was down for seven minutes. She was still telling us more information but my mind was racing. I was in total shock that my baby boy was here and wasn’t still in me. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I should still be pregnant. He shouldn’t be fighting for his life. The doctor then said that we could go over to see Ezra. I was excited to see him but I was also nervous because I knew he would be hooked up to many machines.

They rolled me down to the NICU and Gabe and I got to meet our little boy for the first time. He was kicking and moving his hands around. He was so tiny but the cutest little boy I ever saw. I asked the nurse his weight and height and found out that he was 15 oz. and 12.5 inches long. I looked at Gabe who looked weak in the knees and was leaning on my bed and started to cry. It was hard not to cry looking at Ezra, knowing that he had such a fight ahead of him. We knew this would not be an easy journey. The comic relief started though when one of the nurses yelled out that Ezra peed on her. We laughed and prayed that our little man would be okay. Then a nurse asked us what his name was and we told her “Ezra”  she then proceeded to put his name on his whiteboard.
After spending time with Ezra they rolled me back to my room to check on my healing process. Once we got into the room my sisters and my parents arrived. I told them what was happening and it actually helped me because it made it so much more real saying it all out loud.
The nurses came in and encouraged me to start trying to pump to give Ezra breastmilk. I was so nervous because it took a while for my milk to come in with my daughter and I was especially nervous because I had only been pregnant for 24 weeks. I was so thankful that within the first few pumping sessions I was able to get milk for Ezra.
It wasn’t easy recovering from a major surgery and wanting to be with my baby. I wasn’t allowed to go down to the NICU until I was able to sit in a wheelchair. I kept asking my nurse if I was able to try yet and she gave me the time of 4 PM that we could try. I felt so helpless being stuck in a bed while Ezra fought in the NICU down the hallway.

 

During my time stuck in my room, I got my first phone call from Ezra’s nurse. She wanted to know if we were fine with a blood transfusion and needed me to sign paperwork to do so. I told her anything that would help him I was fine with and I would definitely sign the paper. Thankfully, I also had my sister who was a NICU nurse for several years. Sometimes I would have her talk to the nurses so that I knew Ezra was getting the best care and that I could continually ask her what was going on.

 

Finally, 4 PM arrived and I was able to try to get out of bed. The nurses told me to take it slow, but I was so anxious to get to my little boy. I tried to get up quickly but the nurses and my body yelled at me for that. I finally got into the wheelchair and was taken to see my little boy again.
We were sent to Pod 4, first incubator on the left. I will never forget that spot where Ezra lived the most of his little life. When we arrived the nurse that had asked us about Ezra’s name asked us what our daughter’s name was. We told her that her name was “Arya”. She then wrote down on his whiteboard “Big Sister-Arya”.
We were told that we could touch Ezra. Although, we were told that since he was a preemie that we should touch him in a cupping motion to mimic the walls of the womb. I remember the first time I touched Ezra, I said “Hi Ezra, it’s your mommy!” He made my heart melt when he started kicking around and he kept trying to open up his eyes. His little blonde eyebrows were moving around and you could tell he wanted to open his little eyes up.
The nurse told us that the next day (Saturday) we would be meeting with one of the doctors to discuss Ezra’s condition and testing they would be happening in the next few days. I was so anxious about that meeting and hoping to hear good things. Although, that night we were told that Ezra’s lungs looked pretty good. I kept pressing the nurses though about what issues we could possibly encounter and if there were solutions to most. The nurse I spoke with was very sweet and walked me though a bunch of possibilities. While we spoke, I figured out game plans in my head on if Ezra had to be transferred to a different NICU. I never thought of the possibility of him not making it through his stays in the NICU.
That evening I was told to get rest and keep getting milk for my little man. It was so hard to get sleep since I just wanted to be next to him. I tried my hardest to get some sleep but I was awake early and went down to visit Ezra. I was so proud that I had almost an ounce of milk to bring to him. While I was visiting Ezra my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor came in to check on Ezra and me. He informed me that if Gabe and I ever wanted to become pregnant down the line that we would need to chat with him prior. Then he went on to say how much of a miracle Ezra truly was. He told me within an hour Ezra would have most likely been stillborn. My placenta looked bad and he didn’t think that it ever fully formed correctly. I cried while thinking about how everything could have gone wrong sooner and there would have been no chance for Ezra.
Later that morning, my sisters and my mom came over and I told them about my conversation. We all felt so confident that Ezra would make it because God made so many things possible for him to be born. I was so much more relaxed thinking about my conversation with the doctor that evening.
After eating I went back down to visit with Ezra. The nurse told me that Ezra LOVED breast milk. She then proceeded to tell me that she would allow me to feed him on the next feeding. I was so nervous but also excited to feed him. When the time came, she told me to just put the swab next to his mouth and that he would open his mouth and suck on it. Sure enough, as soon as he felt the swab his expressive eyebrows went up and he opened his mouth and moved his tongue around the swab. It brought me so much joy to see my little boy enjoy something so much.

 

The afternoon arrived and the doctor came over to chat with us about Ezra’s condition. Ezra’s nurse was so sweet and told us to stop him at any time or let her know so she could ask more questions. He started by giving up a paper that showed all of Ezra’s statistics based on other boys born at 24 weeks. Sadly, the outcome didn’t look good at all. There was an 80% chance that Ezra wouldn’t make it, 15% chance that he would have severe disabilities, and a 5% he would live with no disabilities. I never thought he would get out of this without having some disabilities but I thought he would still be in that 15%. The doctor did say that the statistics do not look good but they are just numbers. He also was very encouraged by Ezra’s lung development and that was very promising. Although, the doctor was worried about possible brain bleeds that Ezra could have suffered. He let us know that Monday we would have testing done to see about the possibility of a bleed.
After talking to the doctor we just sat in disbelief. Our nurse told us that the blood work they just ran showed that Ezra’s sodium and sugar levels were very high and that he hadn’t peed. Gabe and I were so worried about all of these things but, we had so much faith in our little miracle baby.
Gabe and I went back to my room to have dinner and discuss our thoughts on everything. We had so much optimism on Ezra’s condition. Gabe was headed home for the evening to be with Arya and we discussed bringing her the next afternoon to visit. We then hugged and prayed for Ezra to be healthy and to keep being a fighting.
After Gabe left I went back to visit with Ezra and I just sat with my hand on him. I loved sitting there with my hand on him and just watched my little guy move around. I told the night nurse that I was going to try to get a little sleep and I would be back soon. I told her to contact me with an update if new blood work was taken though.
I got a phone call at 11 PM that Ezra’s sodium levels were back at a good level but they were still waiting for his sugar levels to drop and for him to pee. I was happy that one thing was going okay, but I prayed that the other issues would go back to normal. I woke up at 2 AM and pumped and headed down to the NICU once again.
I was so excited to see my little man and to be able to sit with him. I started planning on bringing personal items from home for Ezra. I asked the nurse about what items are allowed in the NICU. I felt like I needed to start planning things for Ezra that I could control. I sat for hours with my hand on Ezra and chatting and staring at him.
At 6 AM they were planning on taking blood work and checking Ezra’s diaper again. I still remember finally getting the information that Ezra’s levels were looking good and that he finally peed a little bit. I knew that I would have to leave the NICU for a half hour at 7 AM for shift change. My nurse came by at 6:50 AM to wheel me back to my room. I remember looking at Ezra and telling him that I would be back as soon as I could. Right before I left I looked at him and said “I love you so much Ezra!”
As we were walking back to my room I talked with my nurse about the report that I got. I then told her that I needed to call Gabe as soon as I got back so that he knew our little boy was doing good.
Once we got back to the room the morning nurse was in my room introducing herself. I was cleaning my pumping parts and we chatted about Ezra and Arya. I was showing her pictures of both of my kids when my phone rang. I still remember us laughing about how it was most likely the kitchen calling to ask me what I wanted for breakfast. Then I answered the phone and heard Ezra’s nurse on the phone. She told me that I needed to get down to the NICU right away and a nurse was on her way to inform me of what was going on.
I turned to the new nurse and told her that we needed to head down to the NICU right away. We started down the hallway when I saw a nurse coming to meet us. She told us that they were having issues with Ezra’s tubing and that they were trying to reinsert it back in.
I knew it was bad when we weren’t sent to the hand washing station and we were shipped right into the NICU. I remember being wheeled right outside Ezra’s pod and seeing all the nurses and doctors around him. I couldn’t see him but I saw the heart rate monitor. I saw that his heart rate was at 50 then dropped to 15 and kept doing this for a few minutes. I couldn’t do anything I just sat there in shock holding my chest.
Finally, I felt someone put their hand on my knee and I looked down. It was another nurse who asked what religion we were and if we had a pastor we would like to call or if we wanted the Chaplin called. At that moment, I knew this was the last fight. I told her that we would be fine with the Chaplin being called since it was Sunday morning. My nurse then looked at me and asked if I wanted her to call anybody. I told her to call Gabe to tell him to get here as soon as possible. I felt terrible because this was the second call that weekend from a nurse with bad news.
Then I saw Ezra’s doctor come out to the hallway. He looked at me and said “I’m so sorry, we have tried everything we could.” I instantly felt my heart break knowing that I wasn’t ever taking my little boy out of the NICU alive. I was then wheeled into the pod and placed next to Ezra. I looked at Ezra’s nurses and saw the tears in their eyes too. We decided that we would continue doing chest compressions until Gabe arrived at the hospital. I looked at my little boy and realized he had changed completely. He was no longer pink, his body had turned a purple color. A nurse took my phone and started taking photos of Ezra for us. I remember sitting next to Ezra’s nurse that was with him most of the weekend. When I was asked questions I would turn to her for reassurance on what I should do.

 

We sat there waiting for Gabe and Arya to arrive. Ezra’s nurse turned to me and said “I never asked what Ezra’s middle name is.” I told her that his middle name was Gabriel after his daddy. Then conversation turned more serious to talking about if we wanted Ezra on the ventilator once we were able to hold him. I told the nurses I just wanted to hold Ezra without all the tubing attached to him.
While I sat there just watching my little boy a song kept going through my head. It was the song that I would play in the car after each rough appointment. The song is “All Will Be Well” by The Gabe Dixon Band. The verses, “All will be well, you can ask me how, but only time will tell” kept replaying loudly in my head. I like to think that was Ezra telling me that everything would be alright.
The Chaplin was about 30 minutes away so one of the nurses said she would baptize Ezra while he was still alive. I told her that I would appreciate that. I watched Ezra get baptized while I was still in total shock of what was going on around me.
A few minutes later, I saw Gabe and Arya walk through the doorway. Gabe was still in such disbelief that Ezra was not going to make it. He turned to me and showed me Arya was wearing her “Big Sister” shirt like we discussed the night before. My heart completely sank because I knew he didn’t realize the full effects of what was occurring. It wasn’t until we looked down at Ezra’s lifeless body that he really connected that our little boy was gone.
After Gabe and Arya arrived the nurses stopped doing chest compressions and allowed me to pick up Ezra. I took him and put him right on my chest and sat in the wheelchair with him. I still remember his sweet nurse wheeling me to a big window and telling me “Every momma should be able to rock their baby next to a window.” I sat and looked at him and just kept repeating “Oh buddy.” I was in total shock of what just happened. I sat and kissed his little head and watched as my family members started filing in. We all shared hugs and cried.

 

After a few hours of just sitting there holding Ezra, I realized I was supposed to be in the hospital for another 2 days. I turned to Ezra’s nurse and asked her if we could start the process of getting me home that afternoon. She told us that could happen but we had to make plans on where Ezra’s body would go before leaving. It was heartbreaking to sit looking at a pamphlet of funeral homes while holding our son. Thankfully, once we decided on a funeral home the hospital contacted and made all the arrangements.
Ezra’s sweet nurse came over and let us know when we were ready we could give Ezra a bath and pick out clothing and a hat for him to wear. Gabe and I decided that we would feel more comfortable with her bathing Ezra. While he got bathed we sat next to him and picked out his clothing. After his bath I got to dress him.
We then got ready to go back to my room with Ezra. I still remember my one nurse seeing me for the first time that day and with tears in her eyes grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. I remember she kept telling me “I’m so sorry!” Before we left the NICU for the last time, I went up to Ezra’s sweet nurse and gave her a huge hug and thanked her for everything she did for him and our whole family. Honestly, I will never forget her and how amazing she is.
Once we got back to our room we just sat with our little boy. We sat in shock of what had just happened. Our nurse then notified us that the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep had just arrived. We took photos with Ezra and it was such an emotional roller coaster to take photos at such a sad point. Even though it was heartbreaking to do, I’m very glad that we have those photos of us with Ezra.

 

After taking photos, a doctor from my practice came to check on me and cleared me for leaving that evening. I was so thankful that I wouldn’t be stuck in the hospital for another day or two. Even though I never wanted to leave Ezra I knew that his soul was no longer in his body.
Around 5:30 PM we decided we needed to start heading home. Even though it was going to be an emotional goodbye we knew his body would continue to change for the worse. We then called the nurse to inform her that we were ready. She wheeled in a bassinet, the same type of bassinet I remember having my daughter in when she was born. We then wrapped Ezra up in the little blanket with ducks and flowers and gave him tons of kisses. I told him how much I love him and I placed him gently in the bassinet. I turned to the nurse and with tears in my eyes I told her we were ready. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and walked down the hallway with him. Gabe and I sat hugging each other and crying after we said one of our final goodbyes to Ezra.
We then packed up our things and headed to leave the hospital. Thankfully, my nurse was sweet enough to let us use the employee entrance so that we wouldn’t have the possibility of running into any newborns. I sat in front of the doors with Ezra’s blankets crying while waiting for Gabe to pull the car around. Once he pulled the car up I got wheeled outside. I hadn’t been outside for almost 3 days. Once I got outside, all you could hear were birds chirping so loudly. Honestly, I have never heard so many birds at once. Gabe turned to me and said “Do you hear these birds?! Maybe that’s a sign from Ezra!” At the time I was emotionally drained, but now when I look back I know that it must have been a sign from Ezra that he made it safely into heaven.

Ezra’s Story: Part One (Pregnancy)

We found out we were pregnant with Ezra on October 28, 2016. I was taking clomid (a drug that makes your body ovulate) for the first time that month. I had blood work drawn the week prior and the nurse told me I was most likely not pregnant because my numbers were low. I still had the feeling that I was pregnant so I didn’t lose hope. To get a more definite answer, I stopped using my cheap pregnancy tests and bought the First Response test. I still remember waking up early, taking the test and freaking out when I saw a faint second line appear. I started yelling to my husband to come in and look to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. He then confirmed with me that he also saw a second line. I couldn’t believe it, the week before I was told it wasn’t likely and the next I confirmed my thoughts that I was indeed pregnant. I still remember calling the doctor’s office and feeling so happy that they were wrong and that I needed to schedule pregnancy appointments. I remember going in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks. I was so relieved to see the baby and a strong heartbeat. I was on cloud nine thinking about July, when I would have two children to care for.

Unfortunately, a week later, things took a dramatic. I was at work sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I felt a huge gush. It felt like my water broke. I ran to the bathroom and saw bright red blood. I instantly felt my heart break and was certain that I was starting to miscarry my baby. I called my doctor and they told me to come in and that they would take a look. When I got there, I sat in a waiting room full of happy pregnant women and I was sad because I thought I was in the process of losing my baby. The doctor brought me into an exam room and checked me and finally said “we will do an ultrasound, but I think that you are most likely starting to miscarry.” She left the room and I could barely see through the tears in my eyes. I grabbed my phone and texted my husband and told him to get the office fast. He arrived just before getting the ultrasound and I was so happy to see him but so anxious about going into the room to get the ultrasound because I was dreading the words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”.

We walked into the room to the sweetest tech who talked to us and quickly put the wand on my stomach to check. I looked at the screen and couldn’t believe it when I saw my little baby kicking around like nothing was wrong. My tears of sadness changed to tears of joy. The tech told us that the doctor would look over the ultrasounds and talk to us in the other room.

On the way to the exam room I felt another gush and excused myself to the bathroom. I then passed the largest clot I have ever seen (about the size of an orange). I instantly thought that I saw my baby alive for the last time and that this surely was my baby. I felt so scared and sad at the same time and when we saw the doctor I told her what had happened.

We then did another ultrasound, but once again, there was our little baby, acting like nothing had happened. After all that had happened, I was scared to get attached, but I knew this baby would fight hard to get into this world to be with his family.

When we spoke with the doctor she told me I had a pretty large subchorionic hematoma (blood clot near the baby). I had no clue what that was but she said when they are larger they usually cause a miscarriage. I was put on bedrest which isn’t the easiest with a one year old but I had lots of help. The one upside to it all was that I had biweekly ultrasounds to make sure baby was okay. At 11 weeks we found that my hematoma had grown and was 10 cm long. When I saw the doctor after the ultrasound he looked at me with fearful eyes and told me there was a good chance that I would be miscarrying. After that appointment I was so worried but at the same time I wanted to get excited about my baby. I would be 12 weeks on Christmas Eve and wanted to announce our baby just like we did with Arya. I thought if I made a public announcement it would make me get more excited about the baby.

On Christmas Eve we announced to our family and friends that we were expecting baby #2. It did really help to make me get really excited and it lessened my worries. At 14 weeks I had another ultrasound and my hematoma was getting smaller and we found out that we were expecting a little boy. My husband was so especially excited about having a boy. I was finally fully excited and started shopping for my little man. At 17 weeks we announced to our family and friends that we were having a little boy. Everyone was so excited that our little Ezra Gabriel would be coming into the world in just a few months.

At my 20 week ultrasound and appointment the doctor confirmed that I would no longer need to have ultrasounds so often and we would do another in the third trimester to make sure everything was alright. As I was leaving the office I tried to make my 24 week doctor’s appointment. I wanted to get a Saturday appointment so that I could go alone and my husband could watch our daughter. Unfortunately, the office didn’t have a Saturday appointment but they had an appointment on Friday March 17th at 6:30 AM. I decided to take that because it would be easy for Gabe to go to work as soon as I got home from my appointment.

On Friday March 17th I woke up at 5:30 AM and tiredly got up and got ready to go to my appointment. As I got ready I thought about what I was going to do with Arya for the rest of the day. We were planning on making cupcakes and decorating them for St. Patrick’s Day. As I got my bag and said goodbye to Gabe I looked at my “Arya” necklace. I decided I would put that on so that I would have Arya close by me while I was at my appointment since she was still sleeping and I wouldn’t be able to say good-bye. I wasn’t that hungry when I left so I put a bagel in a baggie for the ride home. I can still vividly remember driving my husband’s car down the highway with snow that was piled on the sides of the road. I still remember looking over at the hospital which is attached my doctor’s office and smiling thinking that in a few months I would be there having Ezra. Little did I know that things weren’t going to end up going that smoothly.

I got to my appointment and checked myself in and waited to be called back. I remember being called back and the midwife and I chatted about things and she measured my belly and said everything looked great. I brought up the fact that my hematoma was sitting on my cervix and what that would mean when I delivered. She told me they would check on it in a few weeks and they would evaluate at that time. I still remember telling her how I didn’t want a c-section because I was so scared of surgery. We ended the appointment by using the doppler to hear Ezra’s heartbeat.

The midwife scanned and we heard nothing. Finally we started hearing a faint heartbeat. She grabbed my wrist thinking that the heartbeat we heard was mine, which it sadly was. She kept looking but reassured me that he was most likely hiding towards my back. She wanted to make sure everything was alright though so she put in for me to have an ultrasound at 7 AM.

I went back to the waiting room and texted my husband and told him what was happening and that I was so worried that Ezra was gone. Gabe reassured me that things were okay and that it is just a precaution. I finally got called back and told the tech once she started if there was a heartbeat to let me know. She started scanning and said she was picking up a heartbeat. At that moment I was thanking God that Ezra was still alive. The tech then had a panicked look and asked if I had been leaking any fluids. I told her that I didn’t think that I was. She then told me my amniotic fluid levels were very low and that Ezra’s heart rate was going up and down. Then she left the room to tell the midwife.

I sat crying in the room, nervous that my little boy wasn’t going to make it. Then the midwife rushed in and told me to go directly over to the hospital (it is attached to my doctor’s office) and that they will be there waiting for me. She told me I would most likely need to get fluids in me to help. I walked over to the hospital, the trek seemed to take much longer than I expected. I started calling Gabe, then my mom, then my sister just trying to find someone who could come and be with me. I finally got to the triage and they checked me in and sent me to a room. I had been in the triage many times with my daughter because I was always nervous about small things. Now that I had been sent there, I was so nervous because I knew it wasn’t just me being hypersensitive.

I got into the tiny room and changed into a gown, thankfully they didn’t notice my necklace and left it alone. It was nice to have a piece of Arya with me. They started hooking me up to IVs and tried to get Ezra’s heart rate on the monitors. My doctor came in and explained that he contacted maternal fetal medicine and the doctor was on his way with his special ultrasound equipment. Then a nurse came in and told me that just as a precaution they were going to give me a steroid to help Ezra’s organs if he needed to be delivered sooner than anticipated. I held a hand of a stranger while they shot the steroid into my thigh. Honestly though, it didn’t hurt, this was most likely due to the fact that I was in total shock. The MFM doctor came in and sat down next to me and made a joke to lighten the mood. I don’t remember what he said but I do remember him saying that he likes to use humor to make scary situations a little easier. He reminded me so much of the doctor from the This Is Us show in the first episode. He then got his ultrasound equipment set up and started scanning. He looked up at my doctor and told him that this was a “Code C” (which I later found out is very scary and the whole hospital is alerted). He turned and said my placenta was breaking apart and that I needed to deliver right away. I still remember asking if we could wait on Gabe to get to the hospital and he sharply said “No! We can’t wait your baby needs out now.”

I remember being so scared that I was delivering my baby at 24 weeks and that I would be doing it alone in a room full of strangers. They started wheeling me through the hallways to the OR, running down the hallway. I really never thought that this happened, other than in Grey’s Anatomy. But now I understand that in a serious situation it is needed. I remember getting into the OR and feeling warm blankets being put on my legs and a person looking at me and telling me that I was doing great. Doing great? Great at what?! Being scared out of mind to the point where I’m in total shock? I remember sitting there thinking that this could be the last time I was alive and that I wouldn’t be able to ever see Arya or Gabe again. Then I thought about Ezra and how hard this would be for him and his little body. Honestly, I didn’t really think about Ezra not living through delivery, he had always been a fighter.

The last thing I remember is seeing a young man put a mask over my face, and then my doctor walking in, his fear visibly apparent in his eyes.

 

Grief Triggers from Shows and Books

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always been a fan of Disney. So much so, that I even talked my husband into going to Disney World for our honeymoon. Despite his initial apprehension, I think we can now both agree that it was an amazing trip. We especially enjoyed our time staying at the Animal Kingdom Lodge and waking up each morning to giraffes just outside our window! Even before I had Arya I would buy Disney DVDs the instant they were released, otherwise they could go back into the vault and not be re-released for years! I would force my husband to watch them with me, intent on passing on my love of Disney to him. Now with a toddler, on a daily basis Disney and children’s songs echo through the house. More than I care to admit, conversation turn to remembering and guessing the names of popular Disney Junior characters that our daughter adores. Even though Disney has been a source of many positive memories and feelings for me, since losing Ezra, these movies, books, songs, and characters sometimes unexpectedly hit a raw nerve.

 

I remember a car ride with Gabe and Arya a few days after we lost Ezra. We were driving home from the outlets where we had just bought outfits for Ezra’s upcoming memorial. My husband brought up the fact that we had been driving in silence since he passed. We felt bad for Arya having to be in the backseat alone with nothing to listen to, so I retrieved my phone and turned on the “Disney Junior” playlist that I made for her many months ago. Without skipping a beat, I was hit with grief from the first song, “Sisters and Brothers.” I skipped the song as soon as I could, but like some cruel joke, a couple tunes later, that same song came back (c’mon Spotify?!). As I reached out to skip the song again, I heard squeals of happiness from my daughter. When I looked back to her seat, I saw her dancing. Even though it hurt I left it on, all the while entertaining the idea that maybe it was Ezra playing the song and that he just wanted his big sister to be happy.

A few weeks later I saw that Moana had been released, so like the Disney fiend that I am, I immediately rented it to watch with Arya. Almost as soon as I turned it on, I was kicked in the gut when I saw the new Beauty and the Beast preview and learned that its release date was Ezra’s birthday (03/17/17). Fortunately, the feelings passed quickly as the movie began. Arya and I were in for a treat, we both loved Moana! However, right at the end of the movie I started to cry. (*Warning Spoilers!*) When Moana reaches Te Ka (lava monster) she sings a song that hit deep.

“They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are”

This song came out of nowhere. I felt that I had been acting like that lava monster for the past few weeks. I was so angry, bitter, and sad that I lost my son. I had been having a constant pity party for myself. In the movie Moana restores the heart of Te Fiti (goddess with power to create life). Unfortunately, my heart won’t ever completely be restored. I did realize however that I couldn’t allow all of my anger, bitterness, and sadness to consume me.

While recovering from my c-section I wasn’t really able to do a lot, so Arya and I watched many of her favorite shows. As a now self-proclaimed children’s show expert, I realized that most every show with the main character being a girl, almost always has a little brother. As I watch those shows, it made me happy to wonder if Arya and Ezra would have played with each other like the characters in the story. Though it typically doesn’t take long for me to come crashing back to reality. Such was the case when in one show a family goes to meet their new baby cousin, then in another when the family decides they are going to adopt another baby. Even though these stories are fiction, they still hurt.

Reading stories to Arya has proved a safer route than shows and movies. And while I have had good luck for the most part, some of Arya’s books can still catch me off-guard. Once I found out I was having a boy, I was already starting to think about what his first birthday party theme would be. One night we were reading “Little Blue Truck” and I remembered that I wanted that to be his birthday theme. Even though I still anticipate on making a Little Blue Truck birthday cake for him on his big day, it hurts that he won’t physically be there with us to celebrate. Each time I pick up that book or see it on the shelf, I always think about Ezra, and the plans that I made that will never come to fruition.

Like other events I have discussed, my latest trigger came from a children’s movie I was watching with my daughter, “Finding Dory.” In the beginning they show Dory as a little fish with her parents. The conversation between her and her parents was heartbreaking.

Dory- “What if I forget you? Would you ever forget me?”
Dory’s Dad-“Oh cupcake, no.”
Dory’s Mom-“We will never forget you Dory, and we know you’ll never forget us.”

This conversation hurts to hear, but it’s completely true. I will never forget either of my children.

These are just a few of the moments that have caught me off guard and triggered my grief. These aren’t the last triggers I will hit but at least I’ve become somewhat accustomed to them. Hopefully some find this glimpse into my life as a grieving parent helpful. While not everyone feels this way, too many people believe that a parent of a pregnancy or infant loss should eventually “get over it.” A parent grieving the loss of their child will never “get over it.” Their loss, that piece of their heart that is permanently missing, is something they carry with them every day. The grief and pain, it doesn’t go away. While it is indeed permanent, I’ve found that it does get easier. And these triggers, while painful, are a reminder of the love that I have for my son, and just like my grief, that too will never go away.

In front of the Tree of Life.

In front of Cinderella’s Castle!