When I found out I was pregnant with Ezra I was so excited. When I was out in public I looked for siblings and would smile imagining Arya playing with her baby brother or sister. When we found out Ezra was a boy I then looked at brother and sister pairs and imagined how they would interact with one another.
However, after Ezra passed away those happy moments faded away. Instead of being happy when I saw siblings I was filled with sadness, anger, and bitterness that my children would never get the ability to interact and grow up with one another.
Little boys are the biggest trigger for me. When I see a little boy around Ezra’s age I feel the sadness that I’ll never see my little boy grow up and play. I’ll never get to put on the cute “Mommy’s Little Man” shirts and the cute suspenders and bow ties that I envisioned I would.
Throughout the year it has gotten a bit easier to see little boys around Ezra’s age though. Sometimes it even helps me envision what Ezra would be doing right now if he was with us.
While I was on Instagram, I noticed a woman I follow poste about her daughter who was born still around Arya’s birthday. It made me really think about how Arya is that same reminder for other loss momma’s who have lost little girls. Sometimes it may be that happy reminder of what their daughter could look like but other times it can be that cruel reminder that your child is no longer here.
When Arya was born I didn’t understand the pain of losing a child. I was that naïve mom who didn’t realize that there was a huge community of other mommas without their children in their arms. Instead of going to breastfeeding classes they were going to loss support groups.
Now two and a half years later I understand that pain of joining a community of infant loss. I am the mom who attends support groups for loss parents instead of breastfeeding classes. I am also the mom who is constantly reminded by life that my child is not here.
I now know how social media can cause painful reminders when others post all of the cute sibling and/or baby posts (obviously, not intended to hurt anyone). However, for a loss parent it can often be hard to see such happiness when your children will never have those moments together.
During the first six months after Ezra passed away I tried to avoid posting too many pictures of Arya because I didn’t want her to be that cruel reminder. Although, I also realized that I need to celebrate her life just as much as I celebrate Ezra’s life too. I need to try to feel those happy reminders more frequently again that although my life is different than I planned I still have a good life to celebrate.
Photo by Joshua Clay on Unsplash