Fear

Fear can be so consuming and it is an emotion that almost every loss momma will experience. The fear of not being able to get pregnant again and the fear of losing another child is overwhelming. Growing up my mother was always so fearful and a worrier. I feel that a lot of her fear and worries came from losing my oldest sister. My mother and I relate so much more now because I know the feeling of losing a piece of myself too.

I have always battled with being fearful and a worrier too. Once I become a momma for the first time the fears heightened. I was so worried about losing the baby that I wanted so badly. I was very cautious and barely ever left Arya’s side. As she got older though I tried to give her more independence. Although, after losing Ezra I wanted to cocoon her once again and make sure nothing bad could happen to her. Shortly after Ezra passed away we were at a family picnic. Arya and my niece were playing in a wagon and Arya tried to get out and fell. I instantly started freaking out and checking her. My sisters tried to make me feel better by saying “She’s okay, it wasn’t that bad of a fall.” but I didn’t want to hear those words. I went inside and my mom followed me in. I turned to her and told her how they just don’t understand how these small bumps to them are huge issues for me. I wish that I had that naïve feeling about bumps and falls, but after watching one of my children pass away right in front of me I can’t help but be fearful.

Lately, I have been more fearful though. I’m always looking for any dangers around Arya and I play out the worst case scenarios in my head. I fear that I will get a call from her preschool or my parents that something bad has happened to her. I fear putting her to bed and not hearing her awake in the morning. My worst fear though is that I will again have a doctor tell me, “I’m sorry, we have tried everything.”

I have also become fearful that I will never have any other children. After the wait of being healed from my c-section we started our first medicated cycle this past month. Unfortunately, we had no success and I didn’t even ovulate which makes me even more fearful. Even with medication my body didn’t react the way that it should. I completely understand that I haven’t been trying for long but after such a long delay I was hoping for a miracle. I long for another sibling for Arya and that Ezra will someday be an older brother. However, fear sometimes consumes me and makes me believe that I will never get to see that come to fruition.

I desperately try to fight the fear and have faith that everything will be alright. Although, it is a very tough fight to battle the fear. I feel that I miss out on enjoying moments with my daughter because the fear can consume me. I also miss out on the joys in life while I’m consumed by fears during the wait of trying to conceive again. My hope is that I’m able to overcome the fear and live with more faith and joy.
Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash