March was a very rough month for my family and I. It was not only Ezra’s birthday month but we also had lots of chaos unfold in our family. I knew that March would be a difficult month but I wasn’t able to fully comprehend how difficult the month would be.
The beginning of the month was stressful as I prepared myself for Ezra’s first birthday. I had been told that the anticipation of his birthday could be worse than his actual birthday. (Which was absolutely true!)
This month we were also finally able to have the opportunity to try again for another baby. Although, it wasn’t the most ideal time to try I have been waiting for a year to get the go ahead. I started taking femara (fertility medication) to help my body ovulate. The day before Ezra’s birthday I was checked to see if I had any follicles. However, instead of hearing good news I was notified that I indeed had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and that I had many follicles but none were big enough. The doctor said we should check the following week for any changes.
At the same time we also added another therapist for our daughter. Since she already has speech delays we decided to bring an occupational therapist on to help even more. Our first meeting was also the week of Ezra’s birthday and we were notified that she shows signs of sensory processing delays as well. I was completely heartbroken after that meeting with the OT. I felt absolutely defeated as a mother. Not only had I felt like I failed Ezra but I also felt like I was actively failing Arya.
The easiest part of the month was actually Ezra’s birthday weekend. I spent the weekend thinking about my little boy and we honored him in many different ways. My emotions were still all over the place but it was nice to slow down and just focus on being with my family and celebrating our little boy. I wrote a blog post about Ezra’s Birthday Weekend if you would like to know more about our celebration.
The week following Ezra’s birthday was again a difficult one. On Tuesday (March 20 it started snowing and kept snowing into Wednesday. The snow is still a huge trigger for me. Last year we had a blizzard the week that Ezra was born. Snow in March will most likely always be a trigger. Along with the snow, I had my follow up appointment at the fertility specialist. Again, we saw so many tiny follicles but nothing more. My doctor finally said that we would try again next cycle with a higher dosage of medication.
Easter weekend was yet another hard time for me. On Good Friday we took Arya over to the Easter Bunny. I wondered how chaotic it would be to take two under two to Chocolate World. It would be a lot but also so amazing to see my two little loves together! Saturday we went to my in-laws Easter celebration. I had already been emotional that day and seeing Arya interact with her five month old cousin pushed me over the edge. I instantly started crying as I watched her be so sweet and adoring to him. Finally, Easter Sunday arrived and we went to church then to go see Ezra. It was nice to be all together but it is always sad to take family photos next to a headstone.
After the month that I had I still feel so numb. I don’t understand why so many difficult things were thrown my way on an already difficult month. I am very hopeful that April will bring much better (and hopefully easier) days!
Photo by Timothy Meinberg on Unsplash
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