The House that Built You

May 2020 marked the 5 year mark in our first house that Gabe and I bought. When we purchased our house I was 6 months pregnant with Arya, our sunshine baby. We knew it would be our starter home but especially after bringing our daughter home the house felt much more like home.

When we began quarantine in the middle of March we really realized how much we outgrew our house. By May we decided to look into purchasing a house and ended up starting the process of building our new home. Taking photos and putting our house on the market was daunting. I was trying to juggle everything going on and the emotional aspect of losing the only home Ezra knew.

Even though I knew we desperately needed a new house that suited us better, I knew this would be a difficult transition for myself. Our home was where we came home after having each of our three babies. I remember bringing Arya home and the happiness of having our little girl in our arms. I remember coming home after Ezra passed away and feeling sadness looking at his little room that never fully got ready for his arrival. Finally, I remember bringing Emilia home and how I felt the relief and a little bit of my joy come back that we got to bring her home alive.

Once we got our house on the market and started planning showings I needed to find out what to do with Ezra’s shelf. I didn’t want people touching his stuff since it’s all that I have left of him. With each showing I packed up his stuff with myself and the girls. It made me feel better that a part of him was with us when we left.

The house sold quickly and in August 2020 we had to say our final goodbyes to our house. It was bittersweet to leave and I took an extra moment in Emilia and Ezra’s room. That room has brought so much sadness and happiness into my life. It was such a sad moment to realize Ezra would never get to be laid down in a crib in that room. However, decorating and bringing Emilia home to that room brought so much joy to my heart.

Our new home will hopefully be done later this fall and we have so many plans on how to incorporate Ezra into our house. We plan on having the girls put their handprints in the sidewalk and in some way make an imprint for Ezra. Additionally, we hope next spring for Ezra’s 4th birthday to plant a tree for him in the backyard.

I had huge fears of losing more of Ezra when we left our first house. Although, I realized once I was alone and the house was empty that the house felt less and less like home. Even though that house will always hold a special place in my heart I know Ezra will always follow us. He’s in the clovers I find randomly, the cardinal that flies by, the heart shaped clouds, and feathers.

 

The Scar that Gave the Gift of Time

April is C-section Awareness month. I had never known this and haven’t really taken the time to honor it in the past. However, this year I am so thankful that I had a C-section last year to give me the gift of time with my son.

Prior to delivering Ezra via emergency C-section I didn’t know much about C-sections other than I knew I never wanted one. With my first child I had a vaginal delivery that went perfectly. I had hoped that I would never need to deliver one of my babies in an OR. However, what we hope for and what we get are sometimes not the same.

Now I am so thankful for my C-section scar because it gave me 48 precious hours with my son. Without the C-section Ezra wouldn’t have had those 48 hours that I got to hold my son’s hand, talk to him, and even be able to feed him. Not only that but I could have lost my own life without that surgery. When I look at my scar now I think of all these amazing things it has given me.

However, there are many people who don’t feel the same way that I do about c-sections. After giving birth via c-section I felt that I didn’t really do anything for delivery. I never experienced a pain of a contraction or labored for hours. The stigma against c-sections brought me to feel that I wasn’t worthy of sharing my birth story. I realized the hardest thing I had to do after either of my deliveries was recovering from my c-section though.

To all the c-section mommas out there be proud of your scar! Whether you hold your baby in your arms or your heart, your story matters!!

 

So thankful for this photo of Ezra and I. I couldn’t get the smile off my face during this moment!

 

 

 

Photo by Rachael Crowe on Unsplash

Reminders

When I found out I was pregnant with Ezra I was so excited. When I was out in public I looked for siblings and would smile imagining Arya playing with her baby brother or sister. When we found out Ezra was a boy I then looked at brother and sister pairs and imagined how they would interact with one another.

However, after Ezra passed away those happy moments faded away. Instead of being happy when I saw siblings I was filled with sadness, anger, and bitterness that my children would never get the ability to interact and grow up with one another.

Little boys are the biggest trigger for me. When I see a little boy around Ezra’s age I feel the sadness that I’ll never see my little boy grow up and play. I’ll never get to put on the cute “Mommy’s Little Man” shirts and the cute suspenders and bow ties that I envisioned I would.

Throughout the year it has gotten a bit easier to see little boys around Ezra’s age though. Sometimes it even helps me envision what Ezra would be doing right now if he was with us.

While I was on Instagram, I noticed a woman I follow poste about her daughter who was born still around Arya’s birthday. It made me really think about how Arya is that same reminder for other loss momma’s who have lost little girls. Sometimes it may be that happy reminder of what their daughter could look like but other times it can be that cruel reminder that your child is no longer here.

When Arya was born I didn’t understand the pain of losing a child. I was that naïve mom who didn’t realize that there was a huge community of other mommas without their children in their arms. Instead of going to breastfeeding classes they were going to loss support groups.

Now two and a half years later I understand that pain of joining a community of infant loss. I am the mom who attends support groups for loss parents instead of breastfeeding classes. I am also the mom who is constantly reminded by life that my child is not here.

I now know how social media can cause painful reminders when others post all of the cute sibling and/or baby posts (obviously, not intended to hurt anyone). However, for a loss parent it can often be hard to see such happiness when your children will never have those moments together.

During the first six months after Ezra passed away I tried to avoid posting too many pictures of Arya because I didn’t want her to be that cruel reminder. Although, I also realized that I need to celebrate her life just as much as I celebrate Ezra’s life too. I need to try to feel those happy reminders more frequently again that although my life is different than I planned I still have a good life to celebrate.

 

 

Photo by Joshua Clay on Unsplash

Fear

Fear can be so consuming and it is an emotion that almost every loss momma will experience. The fear of not being able to get pregnant again and the fear of losing another child is overwhelming. Growing up my mother was always so fearful and a worrier. I feel that a lot of her fear and worries came from losing my oldest sister. My mother and I relate so much more now because I know the feeling of losing a piece of myself too.

I have always battled with being fearful and a worrier too. Once I become a momma for the first time the fears heightened. I was so worried about losing the baby that I wanted so badly. I was very cautious and barely ever left Arya’s side. As she got older though I tried to give her more independence. Although, after losing Ezra I wanted to cocoon her once again and make sure nothing bad could happen to her. Shortly after Ezra passed away we were at a family picnic. Arya and my niece were playing in a wagon and Arya tried to get out and fell. I instantly started freaking out and checking her. My sisters tried to make me feel better by saying “She’s okay, it wasn’t that bad of a fall.” but I didn’t want to hear those words. I went inside and my mom followed me in. I turned to her and told her how they just don’t understand how these small bumps to them are huge issues for me. I wish that I had that naïve feeling about bumps and falls, but after watching one of my children pass away right in front of me I can’t help but be fearful.

Lately, I have been more fearful though. I’m always looking for any dangers around Arya and I play out the worst case scenarios in my head. I fear that I will get a call from her preschool or my parents that something bad has happened to her. I fear putting her to bed and not hearing her awake in the morning. My worst fear though is that I will again have a doctor tell me, “I’m sorry, we have tried everything.”

I have also become fearful that I will never have any other children. After the wait of being healed from my c-section we started our first medicated cycle this past month. Unfortunately, we had no success and I didn’t even ovulate which makes me even more fearful. Even with medication my body didn’t react the way that it should. I completely understand that I haven’t been trying for long but after such a long delay I was hoping for a miracle. I long for another sibling for Arya and that Ezra will someday be an older brother. However, fear sometimes consumes me and makes me believe that I will never get to see that come to fruition.

I desperately try to fight the fear and have faith that everything will be alright. Although, it is a very tough fight to battle the fear. I feel that I miss out on enjoying moments with my daughter because the fear can consume me. I also miss out on the joys in life while I’m consumed by fears during the wait of trying to conceive again. My hope is that I’m able to overcome the fear and live with more faith and joy.
Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash