Ezra’s Birthday Weekend

Ezra’s birthday weekend was full of emotions. However, I feel that the anticipation of his birthday weekend was much harder than the actual weekend. I planned out our weekend so that we would have some things to keep us all busy but some down time if we needed it.

March 16, 2018

The day before Ezra’s birthday wasn’t bad during the day. Arya and I had our normal Friday activities. In the afternoon, Gabe came home early and we got ready to go to an event for Arya. We headed to Chick-fil-a for dinner and went to Arya’s Frozen night at a local play place.

One of my friends had mentioned that the family that owns the play place also had a son who passed away. They have a wishing well in the main entrance with his name and birthday. When we entered, I searched and found the wishing well in honor of their sweet little boy. It was a beautiful thing to see that they had a piece of their little boy in their business.

Arya had a blast running around the little play town and interacting with other children. As I stood watching her I also saw so many families with little babies and pregnant women. I was pulled to the “what ifs” and thinking what Ezra would be doing if he was with us. Although, it was tough to see all babies and pregnancies around me it was worth it to see Arya’s smiles as she played.

Once we got home I put Arya straight to bed since it was past her bedtime. After putting her to bed I went downstairs in the kitchen to figure out what I needed to prep for tomorrow. Instantly, I felt overwhelmed and just sat down on the floor and started sobbing. Gabe came downstairs and found me on the ground and wrapped me up in a big hug. I sat and told him how I felt so overwhelmed that our little boy should be turning one tomorrow and he should be in our arms. Instead of putting together a small birthday celebration I should be preparing a big first birthday party with our friends and family.

The night before birthdays has always been hard for me, but the fact that I didn’t have my son in my arms was even harder. The night before Arya turned one I sat and held her and cried and told her how much I love her. I cried because she was growing up and she was getting past her “babyhood.” However, crying because your child isn’t growing up is so much worse.

March 17, 2018

I tried to sleep in the morning of Ezra’s birthday, however my body wanted to be awake. When I woke up I looked at the clock and saw the time. I kept thinking about where I was last year as the morning went on. At 8 AM I watched the clock and waited for 8:08 AM to arrive. I said “Happy Birthday” to my little boy and started to prepare items for his birthday celebration.

After breakfast we all got ready and headed to the hospital. We brought cookies, carrots, hummus, and cards for the nurses that helped Ezra and myself last year. When we walked into the hospital I noticed an excited set of grandparents checking in to see their new grandbaby. I instantly was jealous that I didn’t have that joyful experience and that Ezra’s grandparents were all so nervous and anxious when they arrived to the hospital a year ago.

As we handed the items to one of the women at the check in station I saw Gabe’s face change. While we were walking back to the car Gabe informed me that the other woman had checked him in the day Ezra was born. He said that she probably didn’t remember us, however the way that she looked at us I feel that she did remember.

On our way home we took some balloons and wrote notes to Ezra to release at the cemetery. We arrived and chatted with him and told him how much we loved and missed him. Although, things didn’t go as planned with the balloon release. It was a windy day and the three balloons got tangled with one another to the point where we couldn’t untangle them. We decided to release them together although a gust of wind took the balloons right into a tree. Gabe and I were so upset that things didn’t go as planned. However, after being able to think about it no matter what Ezra knows how much he is loved even if things don’t turn out exactly as we anticipated.

For dinner we decided to make the tradition of ordering from the local BBQ restaurant in our town. We decided this because that restaurant also catered Ezra’s funeral. It was nice to eat a meal that made me think of Ezra on his birthday. After dinner we sang “Happy Birthday” and Arya helped her little brother out by blowing out his candle. Arya then opened up some special presents from her little brother.

March 18, 2018

Sunday was the easiest day out of the weekend. Although I thought a lot of what I was doing last year it was easier since March 18, 2017 was the most hopeful day of Ezra’s life. I was able to have processed that Ezra was born a lot better and I was able to move around better. Last year I was able to feed Ezra for the first time and I felt more comfortable touching him. There were some moments of sadness that day but overall it was an easier day.

March 19, 2018

We decided to go away on Ezra’s heavenly birthday since it would most likely be the hardest day. Even though I know avoiding your problems isn’t the best it was nice to be busy in the morning. While I was preparing things for our trip I still watched the clock. I still had moments of thinking about the pain I felt a year ago it was easier to deal with knowing I needed to prepare things for our little road trip.

Our drive was peaceful and easy and we finally made it to our destination, the Crayola Experience. Arya was so excited to go into the colorful building and I had a smile on my face watching her pure joy. It was so much fun to run around the building and find different activities and crafts that we could do and make. We even made personalized crayons with Ezra and Arya’s names on them. It was so much fun to find the perfect colors that represented Ezra. We decided to go with “Inch Worm Green” and “Robin’s Egg Blue.”

We were at our last activity station prior to leaving when I hit a huge trigger. When we entered the room I noticed vending machines for modeling clay. I laughed about the vending machine until I took a closer look. The little “Model Magic” bags were something I remembered from last year. I was instantly brought back to seeing Ezra’s nurse holding the same type of bag and molding little circles to make molds of Ezra’s handprints and footprints. As Arya played I told my husband about this and thankfully I was able to hold it together.

Once we arrived home later that evening I looked at the clock once again. It was almost 5:30 PM. I thought about the heartache we had endured last year as we said our goodbyes to our little boy and left the hospital with empty arms. However, I was also thankful that we made it a year and even though the pain is still here it is getting much easier to carry around.

Ezra’s birthday weekend was filled with some great memories but it also came with sadness. In September I wrote a blog post that was titled “When Happiness and Sadness Meet” and I feel that it will always be that way. Even though the pain will lessen over time I will always long for my little boy!

I want to also thank everyone who reached out to us to wish Ezra a happy birthday! We appreciated every act of kindness, message, phone call, flowers, Instagram post, and the thoughts and prayers! We wouldn’t have been able to survive this year without the love and support of all of our friends and family!