The House that Built You

May 2020 marked the 5 year mark in our first house that Gabe and I bought. When we purchased our house I was 6 months pregnant with Arya, our sunshine baby. We knew it would be our starter home but especially after bringing our daughter home the house felt much more like home.

When we began quarantine in the middle of March we really realized how much we outgrew our house. By May we decided to look into purchasing a house and ended up starting the process of building our new home. Taking photos and putting our house on the market was daunting. I was trying to juggle everything going on and the emotional aspect of losing the only home Ezra knew.

Even though I knew we desperately needed a new house that suited us better, I knew this would be a difficult transition for myself. Our home was where we came home after having each of our three babies. I remember bringing Arya home and the happiness of having our little girl in our arms. I remember coming home after Ezra passed away and feeling sadness looking at his little room that never fully got ready for his arrival. Finally, I remember bringing Emilia home and how I felt the relief and a little bit of my joy come back that we got to bring her home alive.

Once we got our house on the market and started planning showings I needed to find out what to do with Ezra’s shelf. I didn’t want people touching his stuff since it’s all that I have left of him. With each showing I packed up his stuff with myself and the girls. It made me feel better that a part of him was with us when we left.

The house sold quickly and in August 2020 we had to say our final goodbyes to our house. It was bittersweet to leave and I took an extra moment in Emilia and Ezra’s room. That room has brought so much sadness and happiness into my life. It was such a sad moment to realize Ezra would never get to be laid down in a crib in that room. However, decorating and bringing Emilia home to that room brought so much joy to my heart.

Our new home will hopefully be done later this fall and we have so many plans on how to incorporate Ezra into our house. We plan on having the girls put their handprints in the sidewalk and in some way make an imprint for Ezra. Additionally, we hope next spring for Ezra’s 4th birthday to plant a tree for him in the backyard.

I had huge fears of losing more of Ezra when we left our first house. Although, I realized once I was alone and the house was empty that the house felt less and less like home. Even though that house will always hold a special place in my heart I know Ezra will always follow us. He’s in the clovers I find randomly, the cardinal that flies by, the heart shaped clouds, and feathers.

 

Ezra’s Birthday Month

It is March once again, three years of knowing my little boy.  This month is so bittersweet to me each year.  I love that we get to celebrate his birthday, but I also wish my little boy was here to blow out his candles (however, I feel his big sister would still fight to “help” him do it).  This month exacerbates my feelings and my sadness that we will never get to see him get older.   

This year will be Ezra’s third birthday.  THIRD BIRTHDAY!  I get so emotional thinking that I have an almost three-year-old, but I don’t get to celebrate with him physically.  Instead of buying toys I will buy some items for his headstone.  No parent should have to decorate a headstone for their child.  It’s just nothing you ever think will happen to you until it does.    

Last March, I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with my rainbow baby, Emilia.  I was petrified that history would somehow repeat itself and my baby would go to heaven just like her big brother did two years ago.  I wish I didn’t have that fear, but once you lose a child your mind can play awful tricks on you and imagine the worst-case scenarios. It’s so easy for your mind to go there with all the sad things loss parents must do once their child passes away. 

This year, we have both of Ezra’s sisters with us to celebrate him.  However, this year I have felt the most emotional.  We have “completed” our family, but our family will never feel complete.  We have three babies, but the world only sees two of them.  Knowing that we are as complete as we ever will be has taken a toll on me.  I will forever have to remind the world that there is a little boy that should be by our sides that fully complete our family. 

A beautiful photo my friend Danielle Danver (who also does beautiful photography) did for my family!

Cover Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

My Sunshine Baby

Three years ago, my life changed forever when my little girl came screaming into the world. Labor Day 2015 I spent the day in labor and at 10:20 PM I was able to hold my 7 lb. 10 oz. little girl for the first time. Ever since that day I have been completely amazed at how that little girl has changed my life for the better. She has been my ray of sunshine since I day I found out that I was pregnant with her.

 

On Saturday September 5th, 2015 I had my scheduled 38 week visit with my OB. However, that appointment went from normal to abnormal when the doctor checked my blood pressure and realized it was significantly high. After looking at my chart my doctor informed me that my little girl needed to make her way out that weekend. I was shocked and scared but when I looked at my husband I saw a smile from ear to ear. He was so excited that the end was in sight and we would finally get to meet our little girl. I on the other hand was so scared that it was really happening.

Thankfully, when you know when your baby is going to come you can plan ahead. We cleaned the house, washed laundry, and finalized packing our hospital bags. I even remember heading to the mall right before the hospital to pick up a card game to play (which we actually got to play because being induced can be a boring and long process).

 

 

We arrived at the hospital at noon on Sunday September 6th, 2015 and started the process of starting the induction. The midwife gave me a medication to help the process since I was nowhere near dilated. While waiting for medication to kick in Gabe and I watched “The Guardians of the Galaxy” and played card games. While watching the movie, we could hear the screams of a woman in pain next door. My husband and I looked at each other in fear thinking that could be happening in our room soon. However, I knew that I wanted pain medication so I hoped that I wouldn’t be in that much pain.

Towards the end of the evening, my midwife decided that we were going to try something different to help get my body ready for labor. The process that we used was very painful however also very effective. By morning, I was dilated at 5 or 6 cm. Although, since my water didn’t break on its own I had to have it broken. I was terrified because of the pain the night before and I was scared of the tool that was used. Quickly, I found out that it wasn’t bad and the fear was worse than the actual procedure. After my water broke things started escalating quicker though.

 

By 4:30 PM I was in excruciating pain and finally asked for the epidural. Once the epidural was in I didn’t feel any more pain. I was able to relax and get ready for delivery. Around 10:00 PM I asked for my midwife to come in because I thought it was time to push. A few minutes later my midwife came in and confirmed that it was go time. Right before starting pushing my midwife and nurse looked at me and told me we would be there for a good bit of time. They said normally first time moms are in labor for about two hours. I honestly didn’t know how I could push for two hours but I shook my head and started the process. After two pushes my midwife said, “You’re doing great, just a few more pushes and she will be here!” After she said that I thought she was just trying to give me a pep talk to keep going. She wasn’t kidding though, after two more pushes Arya was born. The coolest and strangest thing though was that I was able to pull Arya out. It was an amazing experience that I’m so glad I was able to have.

After Arya was born my nurse looked at her watch and said, “You only pushed for 10 minutes! This doesn’t usually happen!” I was so happy and smiled so wide when I was able to hold my little girl to my chest for the first time. It was such an amazing and memorable moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Over the next few hours and days we sat and held our little girl and admired every little bit of her. Every day since then I have looked at her in that same amazement too. I can’t believe that I get the honor of calling her mine and get the privilege of watching her grow up a little each day.

 

I can’t believe my little girl is a three year old today!

Happy Birthday Arya Claire, you are loved so much!!

 

Resilience

For the past few months I have been silent on my blog and haven’t posted much on social media either. The truth is I have been struggling so much with everything going on around me. Life can feel so unfair and complicated, and sadly that is where I have been stuck these past few months. I have felt that my resilience has been tested so much last year that the slightest failure can be so much more painful. Often times, I feel that after losing my child, I have been given enough pain for a lifetime and shouldn’t receive any more. However, life doesn’t work out that way and good people can suffer a lot. The loss of my son and trying to live without him has caused my resilience to fade.
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After Ezra’s birthday I started to feel a sense of relief that I had officially survived the first year without him. Although, the missing him and longing for his presence never left. However, when other pieces of my life are thrown into chaos I always miss him so much more.
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In the spring, we experience two unsuccessful medicated fertility cycles. It left me feeling so much sadness with each failed cycle. Knowing that I may never be pregnant again scares me and saddens me so much. After the second failed cycle and summer approaching we decided to take a break and try to enjoy our summer.
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Along with other struggles, we also discovered that our daughter’s delays could be something more. We started the process of looking into testing in May which threw me into a new type of grief. At first I blamed myself completely and felt horrible because I thought I already failed Ezra and I was failing my living child too. Thankfully, one of Arya’s amazing therapists reached out and told me about a support group for mothers with children with developmental delays. At first I was upset that I had yet another support group to go to but ultimately decided to go. Once there, I was thankful I went because I realized there are many other mothers going through similar situations with their children. Although, it stung each time siblings were brought up and I was left feeling the sadness that my children will never be together on earth again.
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I’ve been wanting to write on my blog for these past few months but felt so broken that I wasn’t able to sit and write anything. After taking a few months off I have found the courage to keep sharing my story to help myself and others who are also struggling after loss. I know my resilience isn’t as strong as it once was, but my hope is that I can strengthen it!

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How has your resilience changed after hardships, especially after the loss of a child?

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Reminders

When I found out I was pregnant with Ezra I was so excited. When I was out in public I looked for siblings and would smile imagining Arya playing with her baby brother or sister. When we found out Ezra was a boy I then looked at brother and sister pairs and imagined how they would interact with one another.

However, after Ezra passed away those happy moments faded away. Instead of being happy when I saw siblings I was filled with sadness, anger, and bitterness that my children would never get the ability to interact and grow up with one another.

Little boys are the biggest trigger for me. When I see a little boy around Ezra’s age I feel the sadness that I’ll never see my little boy grow up and play. I’ll never get to put on the cute “Mommy’s Little Man” shirts and the cute suspenders and bow ties that I envisioned I would.

Throughout the year it has gotten a bit easier to see little boys around Ezra’s age though. Sometimes it even helps me envision what Ezra would be doing right now if he was with us.

While I was on Instagram, I noticed a woman I follow poste about her daughter who was born still around Arya’s birthday. It made me really think about how Arya is that same reminder for other loss momma’s who have lost little girls. Sometimes it may be that happy reminder of what their daughter could look like but other times it can be that cruel reminder that your child is no longer here.

When Arya was born I didn’t understand the pain of losing a child. I was that naïve mom who didn’t realize that there was a huge community of other mommas without their children in their arms. Instead of going to breastfeeding classes they were going to loss support groups.

Now two and a half years later I understand that pain of joining a community of infant loss. I am the mom who attends support groups for loss parents instead of breastfeeding classes. I am also the mom who is constantly reminded by life that my child is not here.

I now know how social media can cause painful reminders when others post all of the cute sibling and/or baby posts (obviously, not intended to hurt anyone). However, for a loss parent it can often be hard to see such happiness when your children will never have those moments together.

During the first six months after Ezra passed away I tried to avoid posting too many pictures of Arya because I didn’t want her to be that cruel reminder. Although, I also realized that I need to celebrate her life just as much as I celebrate Ezra’s life too. I need to try to feel those happy reminders more frequently again that although my life is different than I planned I still have a good life to celebrate.

 

 

Photo by Joshua Clay on Unsplash

Fear

Fear can be so consuming and it is an emotion that almost every loss momma will experience. The fear of not being able to get pregnant again and the fear of losing another child is overwhelming. Growing up my mother was always so fearful and a worrier. I feel that a lot of her fear and worries came from losing my oldest sister. My mother and I relate so much more now because I know the feeling of losing a piece of myself too.

I have always battled with being fearful and a worrier too. Once I become a momma for the first time the fears heightened. I was so worried about losing the baby that I wanted so badly. I was very cautious and barely ever left Arya’s side. As she got older though I tried to give her more independence. Although, after losing Ezra I wanted to cocoon her once again and make sure nothing bad could happen to her. Shortly after Ezra passed away we were at a family picnic. Arya and my niece were playing in a wagon and Arya tried to get out and fell. I instantly started freaking out and checking her. My sisters tried to make me feel better by saying “She’s okay, it wasn’t that bad of a fall.” but I didn’t want to hear those words. I went inside and my mom followed me in. I turned to her and told her how they just don’t understand how these small bumps to them are huge issues for me. I wish that I had that naïve feeling about bumps and falls, but after watching one of my children pass away right in front of me I can’t help but be fearful.

Lately, I have been more fearful though. I’m always looking for any dangers around Arya and I play out the worst case scenarios in my head. I fear that I will get a call from her preschool or my parents that something bad has happened to her. I fear putting her to bed and not hearing her awake in the morning. My worst fear though is that I will again have a doctor tell me, “I’m sorry, we have tried everything.”

I have also become fearful that I will never have any other children. After the wait of being healed from my c-section we started our first medicated cycle this past month. Unfortunately, we had no success and I didn’t even ovulate which makes me even more fearful. Even with medication my body didn’t react the way that it should. I completely understand that I haven’t been trying for long but after such a long delay I was hoping for a miracle. I long for another sibling for Arya and that Ezra will someday be an older brother. However, fear sometimes consumes me and makes me believe that I will never get to see that come to fruition.

I desperately try to fight the fear and have faith that everything will be alright. Although, it is a very tough fight to battle the fear. I feel that I miss out on enjoying moments with my daughter because the fear can consume me. I also miss out on the joys in life while I’m consumed by fears during the wait of trying to conceive again. My hope is that I’m able to overcome the fear and live with more faith and joy.
Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

March 2018

March was a very rough month for my family and I. It was not only Ezra’s birthday month but we also had lots of chaos unfold in our family. I knew that March would be a difficult month but I wasn’t able to fully comprehend how difficult the month would be.

The beginning of the month was stressful as I prepared myself for Ezra’s first birthday. I had been told that the anticipation of his birthday could be worse than his actual birthday. (Which was absolutely true!)

This month we were also finally able to have the opportunity to try again for another baby. Although, it wasn’t the most ideal time to try I have been waiting for a year to get the go ahead. I started taking femara (fertility medication) to help my body ovulate. The day before Ezra’s birthday I was checked to see if I had any follicles. However, instead of hearing good news I was notified that I indeed had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and that I had many follicles but none were big enough. The doctor said we should check the following week for any changes.

At the same time we also added another therapist for our daughter. Since she already has speech delays we decided to bring an occupational therapist on to help even more. Our first meeting was also the week of Ezra’s birthday and we were notified that she shows signs of sensory processing delays as well. I was completely heartbroken after that meeting with the OT. I felt absolutely defeated as a mother. Not only had I felt like I failed Ezra but I also felt like I was actively failing Arya.

The easiest part of the month was actually Ezra’s birthday weekend. I spent the weekend thinking about my little boy and we honored him in many different ways. My emotions were still all over the place but it was nice to slow down and just focus on being with my family and celebrating our little boy. I wrote a blog post about Ezra’s Birthday Weekend if you would like to know more about our celebration.
The week following Ezra’s birthday was again a difficult one. On Tuesday (March 20 it started snowing and kept snowing into Wednesday. The snow is still a huge trigger for me. Last year we had a blizzard the week that Ezra was born. Snow in March will most likely always be a trigger. Along with the snow, I had my follow up appointment at the fertility specialist. Again, we saw so many tiny follicles but nothing more. My doctor finally said that we would try again next cycle with a higher dosage of medication.

Easter weekend was yet another hard time for me. On Good Friday we took Arya over to the Easter Bunny. I wondered how chaotic it would be to take two under two to Chocolate World. It would be a lot but also so amazing to see my two little loves together! Saturday we went to my in-laws Easter celebration. I had already been emotional that day and seeing Arya interact with her five month old cousin pushed me over the edge. I instantly started crying as I watched her be so sweet and adoring to him. Finally, Easter Sunday arrived and we went to church then to go see Ezra. It was nice to be all together but it is always sad to take family photos next to a headstone.

After the month that I had I still feel so numb. I don’t understand why so many difficult things were thrown my way on an already difficult month. I am very hopeful that April will bring much better (and hopefully easier) days!

 

Photo by Timothy Meinberg on Unsplash

 

Ezra’s Birthday Weekend

Ezra’s birthday weekend was full of emotions. However, I feel that the anticipation of his birthday weekend was much harder than the actual weekend. I planned out our weekend so that we would have some things to keep us all busy but some down time if we needed it.

March 16, 2018

The day before Ezra’s birthday wasn’t bad during the day. Arya and I had our normal Friday activities. In the afternoon, Gabe came home early and we got ready to go to an event for Arya. We headed to Chick-fil-a for dinner and went to Arya’s Frozen night at a local play place.

One of my friends had mentioned that the family that owns the play place also had a son who passed away. They have a wishing well in the main entrance with his name and birthday. When we entered, I searched and found the wishing well in honor of their sweet little boy. It was a beautiful thing to see that they had a piece of their little boy in their business.

Arya had a blast running around the little play town and interacting with other children. As I stood watching her I also saw so many families with little babies and pregnant women. I was pulled to the “what ifs” and thinking what Ezra would be doing if he was with us. Although, it was tough to see all babies and pregnancies around me it was worth it to see Arya’s smiles as she played.

Once we got home I put Arya straight to bed since it was past her bedtime. After putting her to bed I went downstairs in the kitchen to figure out what I needed to prep for tomorrow. Instantly, I felt overwhelmed and just sat down on the floor and started sobbing. Gabe came downstairs and found me on the ground and wrapped me up in a big hug. I sat and told him how I felt so overwhelmed that our little boy should be turning one tomorrow and he should be in our arms. Instead of putting together a small birthday celebration I should be preparing a big first birthday party with our friends and family.

The night before birthdays has always been hard for me, but the fact that I didn’t have my son in my arms was even harder. The night before Arya turned one I sat and held her and cried and told her how much I love her. I cried because she was growing up and she was getting past her “babyhood.” However, crying because your child isn’t growing up is so much worse.

March 17, 2018

I tried to sleep in the morning of Ezra’s birthday, however my body wanted to be awake. When I woke up I looked at the clock and saw the time. I kept thinking about where I was last year as the morning went on. At 8 AM I watched the clock and waited for 8:08 AM to arrive. I said “Happy Birthday” to my little boy and started to prepare items for his birthday celebration.

After breakfast we all got ready and headed to the hospital. We brought cookies, carrots, hummus, and cards for the nurses that helped Ezra and myself last year. When we walked into the hospital I noticed an excited set of grandparents checking in to see their new grandbaby. I instantly was jealous that I didn’t have that joyful experience and that Ezra’s grandparents were all so nervous and anxious when they arrived to the hospital a year ago.

As we handed the items to one of the women at the check in station I saw Gabe’s face change. While we were walking back to the car Gabe informed me that the other woman had checked him in the day Ezra was born. He said that she probably didn’t remember us, however the way that she looked at us I feel that she did remember.

On our way home we took some balloons and wrote notes to Ezra to release at the cemetery. We arrived and chatted with him and told him how much we loved and missed him. Although, things didn’t go as planned with the balloon release. It was a windy day and the three balloons got tangled with one another to the point where we couldn’t untangle them. We decided to release them together although a gust of wind took the balloons right into a tree. Gabe and I were so upset that things didn’t go as planned. However, after being able to think about it no matter what Ezra knows how much he is loved even if things don’t turn out exactly as we anticipated.

For dinner we decided to make the tradition of ordering from the local BBQ restaurant in our town. We decided this because that restaurant also catered Ezra’s funeral. It was nice to eat a meal that made me think of Ezra on his birthday. After dinner we sang “Happy Birthday” and Arya helped her little brother out by blowing out his candle. Arya then opened up some special presents from her little brother.

March 18, 2018

Sunday was the easiest day out of the weekend. Although I thought a lot of what I was doing last year it was easier since March 18, 2017 was the most hopeful day of Ezra’s life. I was able to have processed that Ezra was born a lot better and I was able to move around better. Last year I was able to feed Ezra for the first time and I felt more comfortable touching him. There were some moments of sadness that day but overall it was an easier day.

March 19, 2018

We decided to go away on Ezra’s heavenly birthday since it would most likely be the hardest day. Even though I know avoiding your problems isn’t the best it was nice to be busy in the morning. While I was preparing things for our trip I still watched the clock. I still had moments of thinking about the pain I felt a year ago it was easier to deal with knowing I needed to prepare things for our little road trip.

Our drive was peaceful and easy and we finally made it to our destination, the Crayola Experience. Arya was so excited to go into the colorful building and I had a smile on my face watching her pure joy. It was so much fun to run around the building and find different activities and crafts that we could do and make. We even made personalized crayons with Ezra and Arya’s names on them. It was so much fun to find the perfect colors that represented Ezra. We decided to go with “Inch Worm Green” and “Robin’s Egg Blue.”

We were at our last activity station prior to leaving when I hit a huge trigger. When we entered the room I noticed vending machines for modeling clay. I laughed about the vending machine until I took a closer look. The little “Model Magic” bags were something I remembered from last year. I was instantly brought back to seeing Ezra’s nurse holding the same type of bag and molding little circles to make molds of Ezra’s handprints and footprints. As Arya played I told my husband about this and thankfully I was able to hold it together.

Once we arrived home later that evening I looked at the clock once again. It was almost 5:30 PM. I thought about the heartache we had endured last year as we said our goodbyes to our little boy and left the hospital with empty arms. However, I was also thankful that we made it a year and even though the pain is still here it is getting much easier to carry around.

 

 

Ezra’s birthday weekend was filled with some great memories but it also came with sadness. In September I wrote a blog post that was titled “When Happiness and Sadness Meet” and I feel that it will always be that way. Even though the pain will lessen over time I will always long for my little boy!

I want to also thank everyone who reached out to us to wish Ezra a happy birthday! We appreciated every act of kindness, message, phone call, flowers, Instagram post, and the thoughts and prayers! We wouldn’t have been able to survive this year without the love and support of all of our friends and family!

 

Photo by Audrey Fretz on Unsplash

The Blue Shoes

When I found out I was pregnant again I fantasized about the possibility of shopping for little boy clothing. I couldn’t wait to put him in a little button down onesie with suspenders or a bow tie. After finding out Ezra was a boy I went out and bought about five pieces of clothing that I thought would be perfect for him. Unfortunately, Ezra was never able to wear any of his clothing though because he was too small.
After Ezra passed away we decided that we would get new outfits for each of us for his funeral. Most importantly, I needed to find the perfect outfit for Arya. It was one of the few things that I could do for Ezra, and in a way it was an outfit I was picking out for him. Although, I was shopping in the girls section I thought of him the entire time I searched for a little dress for his big sister to wear. We went to many stores before I finally found the perfect outfit. I found a beautiful blue dress and matching blue shoes. I was so happy to find the perfect outfit for my sweet little Ezra.
Each time I would open my daughter’s closet I would see the little blue shoes there and instantly think of Ezra. Months have gone by and it has almost been 11 months since I bought that little blue dress and shoes. A few weeks ago I decided I needed to go through Arya’s wardrobe and shoe collection to take out anything that doesn’t fit any longer. I finally got to the little blue shoes and sat and stared at them. I knew they were too small for her feet but I couldn’t handle putting them away in storage. I decided to put them in my office/Ezra’s room and they have been there ever since.
Each time I walk in the room I look at those little blue shoes and instantly think about my little boy. Even though they are shoes that Arya wore, they are the shoes I bought for my sweet Ezra.

 

2017

 

Last year at this time I wrote a post on social media about how 2016 had many great moments and also had some very scary moments. The majority of 2016 was an amazing year although once November 2016 hit everything got scary. I was 7 weeks pregnant with Ezra when I was told I would most likely miscarry my baby. However, Ezra kept fighting the odds and with a little help of progesterone and bed rest he fought through the first trimester.

We entered 2017 thinking this would be our amazing year where we would meet our son and become a family of four (six if you count Lulu and Albert). January and February came and went without many complications. Although, March came and changed our lives forever. On March 17th, 2017 Ezra came into the world at 24 weeks gestation and continued to fight the odds. He was our little miracle baby that was born on St. Patrick’s Day. We were with him for 48 hours before his little body couldn’t take anymore.

I remember initially thinking this had been the worst year of my life already once Ezra passed away. However, after processing more I realized I was thankful for this year, the good and the bad. I still wish things ended differently and Ezra was still physically with us but I am so thankful for the moments I had with my son this year. This year I have become a completely different person, and in many ways I feel I have become a better person. Ezra’s short little life changed me completely and he has inspired me to be a better person and to take in the moments fully that you’re given here on earth.

Shortly after Ezra passed away Gabe and I had a discussion to make the rest of the year great for our older daughter even when we didn’t feel great. Even though I was deep in grief we decided to get a season pass to our local amusement park and took Arya many places to allow her the ability to be free of the sadness. In many ways doing these things brightened my mood too. I remember the first time we went out I saw pure joy on my daughter’s face that I hadn’t seen in some time. It made me so happy to see her enjoying herself so much and it brought a smile to my face too.

Throughout the year we have also made sure to honor Ezra too. About a week after Ezra passed away we got Arya her very own Ezra Bear who comes with us everywhere. We have done walks and 5K’s to help other families that are struggling through this same loss.  I also donated 446 oz. of Ezra’s milk to help other babies who are in the NICU (which I was told that one ounce of milk feeds one preemie per day!).  Finally, I started The Lucky Anchor Project with my friend and fellow loss momma, Amy. Through our project we have already been able to give back $300 to amazing organizations that have helped us and many other families too.

Without the support of family and friends I’m not sure if I would be in the same place I am currently. We are so very thankful for all of our friends and family who have helped us by prayers, cards, flowers, books, meals, and so much more this year. I realized how many people we have supporting us through the support we got at our lowest low. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us and all of the new friends I have found through the loss community.

Even though I am happy for a fresh beginning with 2018, I am also sad to see 2017 ending. 2017 was the year that Ezra was born and the only year I was able to hold him in my arms. Although, my arms are half empty I am so grateful for the moments that I shared with my little boy on earth and I look forward to the day I wrap him in my arms once again in heaven.

Happy New Year Everyone!