The Darkness of Grief

The other day I was driving home on a back country road while the sun set through the clouds. It was beautiful. After the sun was almost gone, the dark covered the space around me. The roads had no street lights which further darkened my surroundings. As I drove, houses and trees passed by almost imperceptibly in the dark, all I could see was the road in front of me, lit by my headlights. That was until in the distance, lit by a small patch of bright clear sky, I saw a silhouette of a horse. The image of this made me think about my grief journey and how alone and dark it can be. Grief can cause you to feel that darkness has overtaken your world and overtaken your life.
In the beginning of my grief journey I felt completely alone. I felt that I was in the darkness all by myself trying to navigate life after loss. Nothing felt normal and the darkness held a fog over everything in my life. As the days went on friends and family reached out about their personal losses. I felt comforted that I wasn’t fully alone, but when I went to sleep at night, the feelings of loneliness crept back in. After all, it was my loss. While others may have walked a similar path, it was me, and me alone that had to walk this one.
After a few weeks into my grief journey, my husband and I started going to a local support group. I was scared and lost but taking the time to talk about my story helped. After putting ourselves out there, we started to meet more and more people walking down this path. The more people I met, the easier it was to cope, the more light there was on my path. The more I began to accept that I wasn’t alone, the more I realized what was available to help me. I started reading books about loss and grief, finding resources and support groups online, and most importantly I continued to find other loss mamas on similar paths from all over the world on social media. My light in the distance started getting brighter and brighter as I found others who understood or wanted to understand my grief journey, just as I wanted to understand theirs. The fog was releasing and my life started coming back into view.
However, with grief things can change in an instant. Some days the light can be so bright and make you feel that things are “normal” again. Other days the darkness can block out the light and the fog can roll in once again. Grieving a child is a lifelong process that will be a constant battle with the darkness. But always remember, you are not alone. In fact, as I quickly found out during my walk, there are many on this path, much more than I would have ever imagined. Some have been walking for days, while for others, it’s been decades.
If you are new to this journey, I first want to say I’m so sorry you have to walk this path. Know that I am here for you, as are many others. There are many support groups online and in person. You aren’t alone, let us work together to create a brighter path for ourselves and others.

10 Months without Ezra

Today marks 10 months without my sweet little boy. 10 months ago I had one of the hardest days of my life when I had to say goodbye to Ezra. It was the first day that I held him in my arms against my chest and the last time too. As we get closer to March I feel so much sadness when the 19th of each month comes by. I go through stores and see Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day items in the stores and I instantly think of how close we are to Ezra’s first birthday. I think of how difficult that day will be when I celebrate my son’s birthday without him here.
This morning there were some triggers that caused a lot of emotions to erupt on an already emotional day. Arya and I had to go over to Babies R Us to look at new potties for potty training. When we first arrived I saw a couple sitting registering. My heart sank because last year at this time I started getting ready for my little man’s arrival. I tried to look past this and headed to the back of the store. Along the way I saw all of the “My First Valentine’s Day” and “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” onesies and was again overwhelmed. When we finally made it to the back and looked for Arya’s supplies we ran into the registering couple once again. They were looking at car seats as an employee looked at them and said “Congratulations!” For some reason those words hit me the most. When Ezra was born I didn’t hear “Congratulations!” instead I was told “You are all in my thoughts and prayers!” Even though I felt comforted that people were thinking and praying for us it wasn’t an exciting time it was a scary and challenging time.
How I wish that today in that store I would have had my very active 2 year old and my sweet 10 month old with me. I think and wish that people would be staring at us and say unnecessary comments such as “You have your hands full!” How I wish my hands were truly full of my two babies, but instead I hold one of babies in my arms and the other in my heart.

Signs from Ezra

Since the moment we left the hospital empty handed I’ve looked for signs from Ezra. Often times I will find things that remind me of him and other times the sign will be so apparently from him. Today is The Lucky Anchor Project’s 9th day of our New Year Photo Challenge which the prompt for today is “Signs from your child.” I knew I couldn’t do this prompt any justice by just putting photos so I decided to make this into a blog post. I have decided to share a few of my favorite signs that I have received.

My first sign from Ezra was the afternoon that we left the hospital empty handed. Gabe was pulling the car around to the back exit and I sat with my nurse waiting for him. Eventually, Gabe pulled the car around and my nurse wheeled me outside. As we got outside we heard so many birds singing above us and I’ve honestly have never heard so many at once. Gabe got so excited that it was a sign from our little boy.

On Ezra’s one month birthday we went to visit him at the cemetery and I saw a few clovers growing near him. I looked at Gabe and said how amazing it would be if a four leaf clover grew right next to him. On April 19, 2017 I went to the cemetery again to visit on Ezra’s one month angel anniversary and there right in my face was a four leaf clover. I couldn’t help but sit there and cry and thank my sweet little boy for that much needed sign.

Around that same time period I also kept hoping and praying that Ezra was indeed safe and in heaven. I have always believed in heaven and I fully believe that infants who pass away in utero and infants/children who pass away early in life go straight to heaven. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling of my mom worries. I prayed about it each night and asked God to please help me feel more certain that Ezra was with him in heaven. Then it happened one morning after Gabe left for work. I was still half asleep when it sounded like Gabe shuffling around near his side of the bed. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t fully open them and could only see things blurry. I looked up and saw what looked like the build of Gabe but I instinctively knew it wasn’t him. I asked “Who’s there?” and the only thing I heard back was “I made it home!” As soon as those words were spoken I opened my eyes and I was alone in the room. I called Gabe and told him I was fearing that I was going crazy. That afternoon I was still replaying what had happened that morning but I was looking something up on Pinterest. Out of nowhere a poem came up on my feed that was titled “I Made it Home.” I instantly knew this was my sign from God that Ezra was indeed at home with Him.

In September 2017 Ezra’s big sister started a one day a week preschool program (for two year olds). I was so sad because my little girl was growing up and it was also right around Ezra’s 6 month birthday. As we got in the car I loaded Arya in her car seat and put Ezra Bear in his normal seat. When we arrived to her preschool I went around the car to get Arya from her seat when I saw a feather right next to her door. I smiled and knew that Ezra was with us in spirit. As we started walking down the sidewalk I saw another feather and another. I counted at least 6 feathers that we encountered on our way to the doors of her preschool. I love to think that that sign was Ezra walking with us to send his big sister off on her first day of school.

 

I have loved every sign that I have gotten from my little boy. From seeing numbers and symbols that remind me of him to big signs like the ones I have shared. It is amazing how I have become so much more aware of my surroundings after Ezra passed away.