Prior to the loss of my son Ezra, my parenting style was much different. Before having either of my children my husband and I struggled for over a year to get pregnant. Speaking with others, our wait/issues weren’t nearly as bad as others had experienced, yet it still made me feel defeated. The struggle made me feel like I needed to do everything right or I didn’t deserve to be a mother. I was obsessed about making a perfect life for our future children. Once my daughter was born I made myself crazy freaking out about the tiniest issues. I made sure that she had the best organic food, didn’t have any screen time, and focused on providing her the very best things that I could. My family thought I was crazy because I was a crazy helicopter parent that was concerned of even the slightest issue (which to a certain degree I still am guilty). It might sound absurd but I thought if I didn’t make the very best choices for Arya all the time, I wouldn’t be a good mom and I would ultimately lose her.
Flash forward to November 2016, I was 7 weeks pregnant and had a 14 month old. My parenting style completely changed after I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. I was on bedrest for a week and modified bedrest the majority of my pregnancy. I relied heavily on Sofia the First, Doc McStuffins, and Peppa Pig to keep my child content while I couldn’t give her the same attention that I had before. At that point, if she was fed and content, I felt like that was enough given the circumstances.
On March 17, 2017 our lives changed completely. Our son Ezra, was born 16 weeks premature. He was considered a micro-preemie and his birth brought some of the scariest days of our lives. It was also the first time I had been away from my daughter for more than 8 hours. Since she was only 18 months old we decided we wouldn’t bring her into the hospital because I was hooked up to many IV’s and it wouldn’t be safe for her to go into the NICU. Arya and I would skype and talk on the phone, she got excited seeing and hearing her mommy, and I would tear up because I just wanted to hug and kiss her. My mommy heart was pulled in two directions because I wanted to be with both of my kids but I couldn’t.
Ezra lost his fight on March 19, 2017. My husband and I had planned to let Arya come to the hospital later that day, but due to Ezra’s worsening condition, my husband ended up bringing her much earlier than anticipated. The doctors and nurses realized that Ezra had blood in his lungs and that there wasn’t anything more that they could do for him. They decided they would do chest compressions until Gabe and Arya were able to make it to the hospital. I sat in shock while the nurses were trying to develop the best plan to care for us and our daughter. Finally, I looked at the nurse who had cared for our family that whole weekend for reassurance on what we should do. She turned to me and said “Arya is at the age where she won’t see an issue and will just see her baby brother.” I decided we would have her with us while we said our goodbyes, and I’m honestly happy we did because we can tell her that she did meet her little brother.
That night we came home from the hospital with our hearts broken and in complete shock of the day. Arya was already at home and when she saw me she got so excited and just wanted hugs and kisses. I was so detached in that moment. I didn’t want to give any hugs or kisses because looking at her, and seeing her little brother in her facial features hurt me deeply. After putting her to bed I sat and felt so guilty about the way I was feeling. I knew it wasn’t fair to her. The next morning all I wanted to do was hug Arya tightly and not let go. Those hugs provided some much needed relief.
The next few weeks were very hard, and my husband and I found there were now new challenges to parenting. It took everything out of me not to give into her every request so I wouldn’t hear her cry because I felt like I was always at the point of tears myself. When I finally started laughing and playing with Arya I would feel the sting of guilt that I was sitting there laughing and playing when my son had just died not even two weeks ago. I would then stop playing and laughing and feel a different sting from not giving my daughter the love and playfulness she deserved. In recollection, while difficult, I realize I can’t stay in sadness forever. I know Ezra wouldn’t want me to stay depressed.
It is a struggle to be a parent to a child who is alive, while at the same time being a parent to a child in heaven. Parenting is already difficult enough without the grief and obstacles stemming from the loss of a child getting in the way at every turn. Grief hits when you least expect it. I remember taking my daughter to Costco, seating her in the cart, and tearing up as I looked at the empty seat next to her. Now that we are a little past four months since we lost Ezra, I find that the grief becomes a little more bearable, but dark moments still creep in.
To all the mommas out there that are parenting another child after the loss of a child I am here for you. Please be confident that only you and your spouse know what is best for both you and your family. We decided early on that we would be completely open with Arya about her little brother. She has a Build-a-Bear named Ezra Bear, a gift to her from Ezra, that she gives a hug and a kiss to each night. We also plan to be very open to any future children about their big brother. However, while this works for us, it may not be the best for every family to be that open about your loss. Doing whatever you think is best for you and your family is the best decision you can make.
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