Resilience

For the past few months I have been silent on my blog and haven’t posted much on social media either. The truth is I have been struggling so much with everything going on around me. Life can feel so unfair and complicated, and sadly that is where I have been stuck these past few months. I have felt that my resilience has been tested so much last year that the slightest failure can be so much more painful. Often times, I feel that after losing my child, I have been given enough pain for a lifetime and shouldn’t receive any more. However, life doesn’t work out that way and good people can suffer a lot. The loss of my son and trying to live without him has caused my resilience to fade.
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After Ezra’s birthday I started to feel a sense of relief that I had officially survived the first year without him. Although, the missing him and longing for his presence never left. However, when other pieces of my life are thrown into chaos I always miss him so much more.
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In the spring, we experience two unsuccessful medicated fertility cycles. It left me feeling so much sadness with each failed cycle. Knowing that I may never be pregnant again scares me and saddens me so much. After the second failed cycle and summer approaching we decided to take a break and try to enjoy our summer.
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Along with other struggles, we also discovered that our daughter’s delays could be something more. We started the process of looking into testing in May which threw me into a new type of grief. At first I blamed myself completely and felt horrible because I thought I already failed Ezra and I was failing my living child too. Thankfully, one of Arya’s amazing therapists reached out and told me about a support group for mothers with children with developmental delays. At first I was upset that I had yet another support group to go to but ultimately decided to go. Once there, I was thankful I went because I realized there are many other mothers going through similar situations with their children. Although, it stung each time siblings were brought up and I was left feeling the sadness that my children will never be together on earth again.
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I’ve been wanting to write on my blog for these past few months but felt so broken that I wasn’t able to sit and write anything. After taking a few months off I have found the courage to keep sharing my story to help myself and others who are also struggling after loss. I know my resilience isn’t as strong as it once was, but my hope is that I can strengthen it!

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How has your resilience changed after hardships, especially after the loss of a child?

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash