rainbowbaby

May 2020 marked the 5 year mark in our first house that Gabe and I bought. When we purchased our house I was 6 months pregnant with Arya, our sunshine baby. We knew it would be our starter home but especially after bringing our daughter home the house felt much more like home.

When we began quarantine in the middle of March we really realized how much we outgrew our house. By May we decided to look into purchasing a house and ended up starting the process of building our new home. Taking photos and putting our house on the market was daunting. I was trying to juggle everything going on and the emotional aspect of losing the only home Ezra knew.

Even though I knew we desperately needed a new house that suited us better, I knew this would be a difficult transition for myself. Our home was where we came home after having each of our three babies. I remember bringing Arya home and the happiness of having our little girl in our arms. I remember coming home after Ezra passed away and feeling sadness looking at his little room that never fully got ready for his arrival. Finally, I remember bringing Emilia home and how I felt the relief and a little bit of my joy come back that we got to bring her home alive.

Once we got our house on the market and started planning showings I needed to find out what to do with Ezra’s shelf. I didn’t want people touching his stuff since it’s all that I have left of him. With each showing I packed up his stuff with myself and the girls. It made me feel better that a part of him was with us when we left.

The house sold quickly and in August 2020 we had to say our final goodbyes to our house. It was bittersweet to leave and I took an extra moment in Emilia and Ezra’s room. That room has brought so much sadness and happiness into my life. It was such a sad moment to realize Ezra would never get to be laid down in a crib in that room. However, decorating and bringing Emilia home to that room brought so much joy to my heart.

Our new home will hopefully be done later this fall and we have so many plans on how to incorporate Ezra into our house. We plan on having the girls put their handprints in the sidewalk and in some way make an imprint for Ezra. Additionally, we hope next spring for Ezra’s 4th birthday to plant a tree for him in the backyard.

I had huge fears of losing more of Ezra when we left our first house. Although, I realized once I was alone and the house was empty that the house felt less and less like home. Even though that house will always hold a special place in my heart I know Ezra will always follow us. He’s in the clovers I find randomly, the cardinal that flies by, the heart shaped clouds, and feathers.

It is March once again, three years of knowing my little boy. This month is so bittersweet to me each year. I love that we get to celebrate his birthday, but I also wish my little boy was here to blow out his candles (however, I feel his big sister would still fight to “help” him do it). This month exacerbates my feelings and my sadness that we will never get to see him get older.

This year will be Ezra’s third birthday. THIRD BIRTHDAY! I get so emotional thinking that I have an almost three-year-old, but I don’t get to celebrate with him physically. Instead of buying toys I will buy some items for his headstone. No parent should have to decorate a headstone for their child. It’s just nothing you ever think will happen to you until it does.

Last March, I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with my rainbow baby, Emilia. I was petrified that history would somehow repeat itself and my baby would go to heaven just like her big brother did two years ago. I wish I didn’t have that fear, but once you lose a child your mind can play awful tricks on you and imagine the worst-case scenarios. It’s so easy for your mind to go there with all the sad things loss parents must do once their child passes away.

This year, we have both of Ezra’s sisters with us to celebrate him. However, this year I have felt the most emotional. We have “completed” our family, but our family will never feel complete. We have three babies, but the world only sees two of them. Knowing that we are as complete as we ever will be has taken a toll on me. I will forever have to remind the world that there is a little boy that should be by our sides that fully complete our family.