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It is March once again, three years of knowing my little boy. This month is so bittersweet to me each year. I love that we get to celebrate his birthday, but I also wish my little boy was here to blow out his candles (however, I feel his big sister would still fight to “help” him do it). This month exacerbates my feelings and my sadness that we will never get to see him get older.

This year will be Ezra’s third birthday. THIRD BIRTHDAY! I get so emotional thinking that I have an almost three-year-old, but I don’t get to celebrate with him physically. Instead of buying toys I will buy some items for his headstone. No parent should have to decorate a headstone for their child. It’s just nothing you ever think will happen to you until it does.

Last March, I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with my rainbow baby, Emilia. I was petrified that history would somehow repeat itself and my baby would go to heaven just like her big brother did two years ago. I wish I didn’t have that fear, but once you lose a child your mind can play awful tricks on you and imagine the worst-case scenarios. It’s so easy for your mind to go there with all the sad things loss parents must do once their child passes away.

This year, we have both of Ezra’s sisters with us to celebrate him. However, this year I have felt the most emotional. We have “completed” our family, but our family will never feel complete. We have three babies, but the world only sees two of them. Knowing that we are as complete as we ever will be has taken a toll on me. I will forever have to remind the world that there is a little boy that should be by our sides that fully complete our family.

A beautiful photo my friend Danielle Danver (who also does beautiful photography) did for my family!

Cover Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

April is C-section Awareness month. I had never known this and haven’t really taken the time to honor it in the past. However, this year I am so thankful that I had a C-section last year to give me the gift of time with my son.

Prior to delivering Ezra via emergency C-section I didn’t know much about C-sections other than I knew I never wanted one. With my first child I had a vaginal delivery that went perfectly. I had hoped that I would never need to deliver one of my babies in an OR. However, what we hope for and what we get are sometimes not the same.

Now I am so thankful for my C-section scar because it gave me 48 precious hours with my son. Without the C-section Ezra wouldn’t have had those 48 hours that I got to hold my son’s hand, talk to him, and even be able to feed him. Not only that but I could have lost my own life without that surgery. When I look at my scar now I think of all these amazing things it has given me.

However, there are many people who don’t feel the same way that I do about c-sections. After giving birth via c-section I felt that I didn’t really do anything for delivery. I never experienced a pain of a contraction or labored for hours. The stigma against c-sections brought me to feel that I wasn’t worthy of sharing my birth story. I realized the hardest thing I had to do after either of my deliveries was recovering from my c-section though.

To all the c-section mommas out there be proud of your scar! Whether you hold your baby in your arms or your heart, your story matters!!