thirdbirthday

It is March once again, three years of knowing my little boy. This month is so bittersweet to me each year. I love that we get to celebrate his birthday, but I also wish my little boy was here to blow out his candles (however, I feel his big sister would still fight to “help” him do it). This month exacerbates my feelings and my sadness that we will never get to see him get older.

This year will be Ezra’s third birthday. THIRD BIRTHDAY! I get so emotional thinking that I have an almost three-year-old, but I don’t get to celebrate with him physically. Instead of buying toys I will buy some items for his headstone. No parent should have to decorate a headstone for their child. It’s just nothing you ever think will happen to you until it does.

Last March, I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with my rainbow baby, Emilia. I was petrified that history would somehow repeat itself and my baby would go to heaven just like her big brother did two years ago. I wish I didn’t have that fear, but once you lose a child your mind can play awful tricks on you and imagine the worst-case scenarios. It’s so easy for your mind to go there with all the sad things loss parents must do once their child passes away.

This year, we have both of Ezra’s sisters with us to celebrate him. However, this year I have felt the most emotional. We have “completed” our family, but our family will never feel complete. We have three babies, but the world only sees two of them. Knowing that we are as complete as we ever will be has taken a toll on me. I will forever have to remind the world that there is a little boy that should be by our sides that fully complete our family.